No Reservations

I saw the sneak preview of No Reservations last night, the Catherine Zeta-Jones romantic comedy. I love sneak previews. I especially love filling out the little surveys they pass out. I imagine there's a statistician somewhere at Nielsen Media Research who looks at my form and dismisses it as a statistical aberration.

One of the question was: How many movies have you seen in a theater in the last 2 months? And the choices are: 1, 2, 3 to 5, 6 or more. It only goes up to six? That's less than a movie a week!!! I answered "6 or more", but then wrote "30+" on the side :-)

Then it asked: Which of the following movies have you seen in a theater? Followed by a list of a dozen or so movies. I checked all but one (I never saw "The Lake House").

Hairspray

When a teenage female dancer on a Baltimore TV dance show needs to take an unexpected 9-month break, a local chubby girl gets her big chance. Her name is Tracy. She's always been a little kooky, even a bit crazy, but after seeing her at the audition, one might say she's a maniac... maniac on the floor... and she's dancing like she's never danced before... and it shows.

Warning: This is a musical. Very musical. If you don't like musicals, you won't like this movie. Don't let the girlfriend convince you otherwise, stick to your guns and insist on seeing Die Hard.

But I, for one, love musicals. I like Die Hard too, mind you. I'm still a guy.

Although, I have to admit, I probably should have averted my eyes during the Christopher Walken / John Transvolta love ballad duet... nightmares will result, I'm sure. On the up side, Amanda Bynes is very adorable as Tracy's best friend, Penny.

The social context of this movie might be hard for the younger generation of today to understand. The very idea that America was once filled with such intolerance will seem so foreign to them. Because, as we all know, teenagers today accept each other as they are, without judgment or prejudice. Just the other day, I heard one of them say "Racism is totally Gay".

Hairy Pouter and the Other Phonies

The Ministry of Mage-ick thinks Hairy is crazy because he says VowelDeMart is coming to kill them all. So at the first excuse, they kick him out of that PigZits school where he's been wasting his time for the last four years. But before he can go "Woohoo! No school!" he's abducted by Serious Bloke, Remus Loopy, and the other phonies. He's taken to a half-way-between-other-houses house where he is reunited with his friends Hormonee GrandHer and Wrong Weasely.

Then Hairy is put on witch-trial for having used magic illegally. DumbBellDoor defends him and convinces the Ministry to let him go back to school, but the Ministry insists on appointing DullOrElse Ummm...Bridge to the faculty. I thought she was the most reasonable person in the whole movie. She's in charge of hundreds of emotionally unstable teenagers and she forbids them to use their highly unpredictable and deadly magical abilities. Seems pretty darn reasonable to me!

First day at school, Hairy meets Loony LoveOfGod. She's cute and all, but you can tell she's not playing with a full tarot deck. She's gonna end up a member of Hairy's cult of magic dabblers. They meet in a secret room where they do all sorts of things to each other, but only Hairy gets to first base with some Asian girl. He must not have been a good kisser because the Asian girl betrays them and tells DullOrElse where the secret room is.

Hairy and his friends go to a crystal ball warehouse where they fight a bunch of bad guys. Guess what happens to the crystal balls. The phonies show up to help but they're still losing. It takes DumbBellDoor to show up and save Hairy, yet again. He's pretty sad that his friend Serious Bloke is dead, but I'm sure he'll get over it before the next movie: Hairy Pouter and the Half-Breed Prince.

Ratatouille

It's not "wattatoowee", it's "Ratatouille"!

Roll the "R" and don't add an "ee" at the end. Now was that so hard?

Other than that, the movie's very good. Great for kids.

Transformers

I've seen it 3 times in 4 days. What does that tell ya? Other than I'm a nerd.

My favourite line: "You've failed me yet again, Starscream!!!". Ahhh... nothing like the classics.

You Kill Me

Ben Kingsley is an AA member, "Alcoholic Assassins", that is. His drinking is getting in the way of his talent at killing people. Luckily, he's made a few new friends who are trying to help him stop drinking. Including a new girlfriend, Téa Leoni. She dates him because "she doesn't want to be alone". Granted, she's not as young as she used to be, still, I'm sure she could do better.

DOA: Dead or Alive

If the pen is the writer's sword, then this movie was written with a rusty meat cleaver.

Very early on, I thought: Wow! There's a lot of CG in this movie. The problem is, they look like the kind of CG that will make you think: "Wow! There's a lot of CG in this movie". And that's not a good thing.

But the reason the audience came to see this movie is not the writing or the CG. The reason they are here is for the fight scenes. Well... at least that's the reason they gave their wives/girlfriends. We know why they're really here. Still, the fight scenes are actually very good.

I would recommend to all fans of the game to rent the DVD (when it comes out), wait for the wife/girlfriend to go shopping, then watch it with the Japanese audio track. "But I don't understand Japanese", you say? That's the point, not understanding the dialogue will improve the experience, trust me. You don't want to mute the whole movie because you still want the sound effects. One day, distributors of movies like this will understand their audience and provide a "no dialogue" audio track on the DVD. Just think how much fun you could have inserting your own dialogue. But until then, we'll just have to use undecipherable languages instead.

Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer

What have the Fantastic Four been up to since we've last seen them?

Mr. Fantastic

Reed Richards has been stretching his acting skills by starring in a Broadway production of "Flubber: The Musical". After opening night, the critics noted that he had gained some weight. Ever the perfectionist, he fixed that in time for the next performance.

The Invisible Woman

We haven't seen much of Susan lately. Unlike her fiancé she struggles to find a field that fits her particular talents. She's been offered some TV roles, but the screen tests have shown that her particular demographic would prefer that she didn't turn invisible.

After that, she spent a month with Tibetan Monks, they were helping her find herself. When the casting call for this movie came in, she is rumored to have snuck out and the monks are presumably still looking for her.

The Human Torch

The hot-blooded Johnny has always had a flameboyant lifestyle. But is he showing signs of settling down? He had a steamy relationship with a marine biologist last month, but it fizzled out quickly after he boiled the fish in her aquarium.

Thing

Despite giving a solid performance as the star of "Rocky 7: It's Clubberin' Time", the movie was a financial failure. Ben is under pressure to make his next venture a smashing blockbuster success.

Cthulhu

Dave and I were wondering what the title of this movie meant. Turns out it's the name of a demonic creature prevalent in some H.P. Lovecraft stories. He's apparently very scary, but I have trouble believing that. I mean... how scared would you be if a demonic creature announced: "I am Cute Lulu !!!". He'd have to kill me to stop me from laughing.

But this movie is only indirectly related to Lulu. It's a common story I've seen in several movies lately. A man who's been living in a city for a while is, for some reason or another, traveling to a small town. Once there, he discovers that the whole town has been possessed by a demonic cult performing human sacrifice.

Makes me nervous to go home.

Alien Autopsy

The real story of the fake remake of a real autopsy of a fake alien. It's all true. Really! Why won't anyone believe a couple of guys who made tons of money by lying?

And that's it for the SIFF this year. 25 movies in 3 weeks, not bad.

Trail of the Screaming Forehead

Hilarious. An adept homage to inept filmmaking.

The Pervert's Guide to Cinema

Some shrink spews out psycho-babble at a prestigious rate. Unless you have a Ph.D in psychology, you're likely to find it hard to follow.

Poltergay

A house is haunted by the ghosts of gay disco dancers. Finally, a movie that strives to promote understanding and tolerance toward disco dancers.

The Banquet

Not actually about food, as it turns out.

I decided that I would watch this Chinese movie without reading the subtitles. I picked my favourite seat of the Neptune theater, center section of the balcony, right under the projector. This way I was assured that several tall people would sit in front of me, thereby blocking my view of the subtitles, removing even the temptation of reading them.

I will, therefore, describe to you the movie, purely based on the visuals.

The Chinese chapter of the Marcel Marceau impersonator club were rehearsing their upcoming Cirque du Soleil performance at the foot of a totally "rad" skateboarding ramp in the middle of the woods. Suddenly, an army of Samurais wearing black cloaks and cast iron furnace doors as masks, float through the trees and attack them. Yeah... it's going to be that kind of movie.

Alright, I know we're in China and therefore the sword-wielding Chinese guys are not actually called "Samurais", but calling them "sword-wielding Chinese guys" all over the place is a bit tedious. So I'm gonna stick with "Samurais".

To everyone's surprise, the mime's ability to stand very still offers very little protection against Samurai swords. But one guy did figured out it wasn't working, he figured he had a better chance of survival by moving... evading... even running, if need be. It's going pretty well for a while there, but it's all for not, as he gets his head chopped off. One other guy survived the attack by using the even more time-honoured technique of "hiding". That guy turns out to be our hero. Hey... everyone else is dead, we'll have to take what we can get.

In the next scene we have a group of black cloaked Samurais fighting another group of black cloaked Samurais. Don't they know the visiting team is supposed to wear white? The black team wins, no surprise there.

Meanwhile, at the imperial palace, the Emperor is giving the Empress a Swedish massage (yes, that's an euphemism). I know he's the Emperor because he wears the silliest hat of them all. And I know that she's the Empress because... well... that better be his wife.

Then our hero visits the Empress, they have a heated argument with lots of yelling about... something. What is the fight about? How would I know? I'm not a mind reader. But at one point, our hero makes a classic mistake. He gives the angry woman a sword. Bad idea. They fight a bit more, but then he says something and they hug. I'm assuming he said something like "I'm sorry honey, you're right and I'm wrong".

Now we go back to another scene of two teams of black guys facing off on a bridge. One of them makes a short speech directed at the other team. After which, that team takes off their armor and commit harakiri (again, I know they're Chinese, but I don't know the Chinese word for "suicide"). What the *bleep* did he say? I'm starting to regret this "no subtitles" idea. It sounds like whatever he said would be something useful to memorize for the next time I disagree with someone.

Back at the palace, there's a lot of people talking to other people. Lots of intense looks. Then somebody laughs at the Emperor. Ooops. He's taken out, tortured, killed, then everyone plays a game of polo. Everything is fine again, so our hero stages a play with his well-trained pet ninja. It's very touching, apparently, because he gets a standing ovation from the Emperor. Then the Empress comes over to talk to him but she's interrupted by the Empress. Huh? What? There's two of them? Where did that one come from? Oh well... they talk for a while, then they all go visit the Empress? What the...? How many Empress clones do they have?

Our hero is apparently being escorted through the Canadian Northwest Territories when his escorts decide to kill him. But in an amazing stroke of coincidence, they decide to kill him at the exact spot where our hero's friends just happen to be hiding in snow covered holes in the ground. Either that's incredible luck, or our hero has friends buried in the ground every ten feet of the entire country.

After a lot more talking, the Banquet starts. Finally! I was wondering when the food was gonna get here. Surprisingly, their Chinese food doesn't come in little white cardboard boxes. Everybody eats, then the Empress tries to poison the Emperor, but one of the other Empresses's's' ends up drinking the poison and die. Then the Emperor commits suicide by drinking the poison. Then some guy tries to kill our hero (again) but gets killed by the Empress. But our hero was poisoned by cutting himself with a poisoned blade and he dies. Then the Empress is murdered.

Geee... everybody dies at the end of the final act. That reminds me of something... something I read (yes, read)... let me consult my extensive library of books... (30 seconds later)... there it is! Hamlet!

It all makes sense now! Our hero guy was Hamlet. The Emperor was his uncle. The Empress was his mother... ewww... weren't they kissing in that earlier scene? One of the other Empress was Ophelia... etc... etc...

Still, Shakespeare is much better in it's original Klingon.

In the last 11 days, I've seen 19 movies (14 at the SIFF, 2 non-SIFF, and 3 DVDs). Even for me, that's a little much. So the reports will be short:

Mr. Brooks - I feel sorry for Kevin Costner. Try as he might, he simply can't seem to make another blockbuster movie.

La Vie Promise - If you're going to walk half-way across France, on the run for killing your pimp, then don't do it in high heels, take a minute and put on some sensible shoes.

La Vie en Rose - My grandmother used to sing Edith Piaf songs all day long while working in the kitchen (feeding 16 kids will keep you busy), but even she probably never knew the details of Edith's life. Judging by the average age of the audience, this movie mostly appeals to existing fans of Piaf.

Rocket Science - This movie teaches kids that if they work on their problems (in this case, stuttering) by challenging themselves (by joining the debate team) and then, when obstacles are in their way (being kicked off the debate team), think of an out-of-the-box solution (enter the state finals as an home-schooled team), then they too can get disqualified and end up working at a dry cleaners. Not the most inspiring of endings.

Sleuth - Now that United 93 has finally dropped off the IMDB top 250 list, I can now resume my quest of seeing the whole list. To get through the last few movies, I had to visit Scarecrow Videos where I could find some of the hard-to-find titles. So after giving a 200$ deposit, I was able to watch Sleuth. I don't want to give away any spoilers here, especially since a remake is eminent, so I'll just say that it was well worth it.

Tell No One - An innocent man is accused of murdering his wife. He struggles to put together the puzzle pieces of evidence while evading the police. This is the kind of situation where the hero would save himself a lot of grief if he just got everyone he knows into a room and ask them to reveal to him every little secret they've been hiding from him, no matter how unrelated they may seem. Instead, he spends weeks running around from person to person to get one little piece of information at a time. Granted, it makes for a better movie, but it's a risky way getting to the truth.

I Have Never Forgotten You - A documentary about Simon Wiesenthal, a man who dedicated his life to tracking down Nazi war criminals. Makes one's life feel very insignificant.

Outsourced - My report on this movie is going to be very funny and insightful, but unfortunately, Krishna, the Indian guy I hired to write it for me, hasn't e-mailed it to me yet.

Blaa-aa-aa-ck Sheep

Before this, the last movie I saw that featured sheep farmers was "Brokeback Mountain". Now this one is about zombie sheep. Frankly, I'm not entirely sure which one I found more disturbing. I have recurring nightmares about both.

While "Brokeback Mountain" had grammar-bending dialogue like "I wish I knew how to quit you", this one has funnier dialogue:

            (Trapped in a room, Henry starts to hyperventilate)
(Girl)                Are you all right?
(Henry)            Not really, I have a condition.
(Girl)                What kind of condition?
(Henry)            My therapist calls it probataphobia.
(Girl)                What does that mean?
            (A sheep bursts its head through the door and bites someone)
(Henry)             The unfounded and illogical fear that one day, THIS WOULD HAPPEN!!!

This is yet another SIFF movie in the burgeoning zombie-comedy genre. Not quite as funny as "Fido", but more in the traditional style of zombie movies. That means it can get a little gross if you're not used to it.

Note: No sheep were harmed during the making of this film. Several humans were killed and maimed, but the sheep are fine.

First SIFF Weekend

Despite failing to obtain tickets for any Saturday films, I think I'm off to a pretty good start. I saw 5 movies so far:

·        Quand J'étais Chanteur (translates to "The Singer") stars Gérard Depardieu (translates to "Gérard of by God") as an aging dance-hall singer who unexpectedly scores with a hot, young, real-estate agent. Good for him.

·        Papurika is a Japanese Animé that some would describe as "weird", but to use such a banale word as "weird" seriously understates the kind of film this is. We need a weirder adjective. Where's my thesaurus?... "peculiar"... "kooky"... "heteromorphic"... yeah, that's it, it's heteromorphic.

·        Vanaja would be your standard "the old customs are unfair toward women" kind of story if it weren't for the occasional dance scenes. It looks a bit like an early form of interpretive break-dancing to me, but I liked it.

·        King of Kong is the best film so far, and quite likely to retain the title until the end of the festival. Amongst a dozen or so top "classic video game" players, the movie concentrates on the top two "Donkey Kong" players. Ultimately, what differentiates the two is far more revealing than the numerical difference between their high scores.

·        Monkey Warfare is a movie about revolutionaries fighting to oppressive regime of Canada. Yes, you read that right. Very instructional actually. I learned how to make a Molotov Cocktail. Can't wait to try it out in the next revolution I participate in.

SIFF Happens: Patrick's Film Festival Primer

Are you considering attending the Seattle International Film Festival? Oh... ok then. Well, if you know somebody who does, then have them read this guide first.

First, do the math.

A single movie ticket is 10$, a pass is 800$. That means to make it financially advantageous, you'd have to watch at least 81 movies in 3 weeks. That may seem like an impossible task, but it's not. By carefully choosing the right movies, you could actually see 110 movies during the SIFF. But even yours truly would never attempt such a feat.

Clearly, the pass is not meant to save you money. What it does give you is the ability to get in the theatre before all those people who did do the math, thereby giving you first pick at the best seats. Very useful for people who don't feel like spending more time standing in line for a movie than actually watching the movie.

But there are ways of bending/cheating the rules. One way is to form a movie-going group, buy one pass for the group and one member uses it to get in the pass-holder line. The rest of the group buys normal tickets and go stand at the end of the line (three blocks away). The pass-holder member gets in and puts jackets on several seats, enough for the whole group. Voila.

But there is another way (which might be a new trick this year) that doesn't require accomplices (they're likely to rat you out anyway), but will cost you a little bit more money. It involves the "back-2-back" pass. The idea is that if you're watching one movie, you can't get a good seat for the next movie because you can't get in line early enough. To fix this, they allow you to get in after the pass-holders, but before the other ticket-holders.

If you're willing to pay 20$ to not stand in line for two hours, then you can do this:

1) Buy tickets for the movie you intend to see AND for the movie that plays just before it (at same venue). But you need to obtain the paper tickets in advance, that is, before that first movie starts (the one you don't want to see).

2) Tear the first movie ticket at the perforations. Throw away the short piece, keep the long one.

3) Arrive at the movie theater about 20 minutes before the second movie (the one you want to see) and go to the end of the pass-holder's line. When you reach the door, tell the ticket guy that you just saw the first movie but that you didn't notice the guy handing out the back-2-back passes, show them your torn ticket for the first movie and your ticket for the second movie and they'll let you in. Sneaky, ain't it?

If you don't want to pay 20$, you can always do a variation on this where you buy a ticket for the second movie, but show up an hour before the first movie (which you don't want to see) and stand in the ticket-holder's line just long enough for the guy to give you a back-2-back pass and then go shopping, see another movie, whatever. You now have what you need to get to the end of the pass-holder's line 20 minutes before your movie starts.

Second, plan ahead.

Especially if you're by yourself. Control your bladder. You can't go to the bathroom while you're standing in line, you'll lose your spot. When the line starts moving into the theatre, know where you want to sit. There's a lot of people behind you, there's no time for indecisiveness.

Third, play your part.

This is an international film festival, make sure you practice your generic European accent so you can sound foreign. Note that you don't want to sound like you speak a specific foreign language because in this crowd, you're likely to run into someone that actually does speak that language and they'll expose you for the phony that you are.

If you're watching a foreign-language film, laugh when others laugh, gasp when they gasp, otherwise you risk exposing yourself as a clueless American who meant to see Pirates of the Caribbean 3 but got lost and got into the wrong theatre.

But do get the large soda and large popcorn, you are, after all, at the largest film festival in America.

Fourth, stuff the ballot boxes.

When going into the theatre, they'll be 4 or 5 guys handing out voting slips. Grab one from each guy. If you really love or really hate the film, you can vote multiple times. If you don't feel strongly about this particular film, you can always save the voting slips for the next film.

Fifth, be kind, shut up.

Don't talk during the film. Not even in a generic European accent.

This also applies to your electronic pets (cell phones, PDAs, pagers, etc...). Forgetting to silence them before the film is a major faux pas. To actually answer a phone call in the middle of a film will get you shot from the balcony.

Wild Hogs

A coming of age movie... middle-age, that is. Not at all painful. All things considered, I think that's pretty high praises.

Premonition

Everybody thinks Linda is going crazy because she doesn't remember things that have happened and yet does remember things that didn't happen. She struggles to prove them wrong, but just as she starts believing she's crazy, she figures it out! She's time-traveling back-and-forth between the different days of the week. So you see?... that proves she's not crazy!!!

Ok, so using time-travel to explain away events that would otherwise make you sound crazy is a bit far-fetched, but it's still better than the last two movies I've seen based on the "is she crazy?" format:

·        "The Forgotten" (aliens did it); and

·        "Flightplan" (I don't want to ruin that one, see it for yourselves, it's priceless).

Astronaut Farmer

Ghost Rider

Johnny Blaze, an Evel Knievel wannabe, not the guy from Fantastic Four, gets a visit from The Devil himself who offers to cure his sick father in exchange for his soul. While examining the contract, he accidentally pricks his finger and a drop of blood falls on the signature line. That's not a legally binding contract! Especially since Beelzebob killed his father right after curing him. That doesn't seem like a contract negotiated in good faith. I'm sure he can appeal this in the 7th Heaven Circuit Court of Appeals or something.

But anyway, he's stuck with this contract and so, at night, he becomes "Ghost Writer". Where he gains the power to write really corny dialogue. He also has the power to turn into a skeleton on fire. What is the rule about what to do when you're on fire?

            a) Stop, drop and roll?

            b) Jump into a lake?

            c) Straddle a motorcycle, sitting inches away from a gasoline tank?

If you chose a) or b), you're probably still alive. If you chose c), then you have a future as a vigilante crime fighter. Because even though he works for His Infernal Majesty, he has a strict code of conduct. He will not hurt the innocent. Never! Yet he has no problem with causing millions of dollars of property damage that the innocent will have to pay for.

Luckily Satan doesn't want him to fight the innocent, he wants him to fight a group of demons: Mistoffelees, Sandman, Waterboy, Windbag,... sorry... Mistoffelees? Magical Mr. Mistoffelees? From "Cats"? Sure, he's a little bit of a trickster, but he's a cute little cat!!! Anyway... he kills them all and gets the girl.

What? Did I forget to mention the girl yet? Surprising, since her role in the movie is so pivotal to the plot. I mean... she's... you know... present. And she brings an element of suspense as we wonder how many shirt buttons she's going to lose before the movie is over.